Thursday, July 24, 2014

20 Signs That You're a Mom (to a Baby)

Hubby loves Buzzfeed. He's constantly sending me ridiculous articles from the site and telling me just how much how they apply to my life (they usually don't, but I humor him and read them nonetheless). Recently, he suggested that I create a "list" post for the blog and, being the loving wife that I am, I obliged.

Now, I know that not everyone will relate to this list, and that's fine. I realize that most people have their lives a bit more together than I do. But for those of you out there who do relate to this list (and are a hot mess like me), know that you are not alone, my friends.

20 Signs That You're a Mom (to a Baby)
  1. Your outfit always contains at least one stain (typically from drool, spit up or partially-eaten food). And if you're really lucky, that stain will be on a brand new dress and won't come out no matter how hard you scrub.
  2. That wonderful "fresh out of the shower" feeling never lasts more than 5 minutes. As soon as you pick up your baby, #1 will occur almost immediately.
  3. Every single tube of Chapstick is either missing its lid, contains bite marks, or is covered in drool. And nine times out ten, the only time you'll even find a tube to use is when it's hidden under the couch covered in dog hair.
  4. Your purse contains more items for baby than for you. These items include: half-eaten snacks, used Kleenex/wipes & some kind of sticky toy. And probably a tube of Chapstick as described in #3.
  5. You've had baby urine and feces on you more times than you can count. The worst part? It doesn't even gross you out anymore.
  6. You don't hesitate to use your shirt/pants as a napkin in case of an emergency. This includes having baby spit out whatever food is in its mouth and then smear it all over your shirt. Yummy.
  7. You listen to [insert song here] on repeat the entire car ride home because it calms your screaming baby. And when baby finally falls asleep as you're pulling into your neighborhood, you debate whether its worth waking the monster or letting it sleep while you play on your iPhone in the car.
  8. All of your coffee tables/night stands/side tables have little teeth marks in them. Who's idea was it to make these pieces of furniture the same height as teething, mobile babies anyhow?
  9. You have learned how to utilize every inch of space on any given shopping cart. How else are you supposed to haul everything on your shopping list as well as 2 boxes of diapers, a box of wipes, 4 canisters of formula and 50 pouches of baby food? (Kuddos to whoever invented those pouches. They're a lifesaver when traveling).
  10. Your monthly clothing allowance is now spent on baby clothes since baby can't seem to wear the same size for more than five minutes. This leaves you trying to fit your deranged post-partum body into your skinny, pre-pregnancy clothes which means having a mental breakdown every time you have have to get dressed for work. (I mean, why aren't black sweatpants considered "business casual"?)
  11. Thanks to #10, you spend every other weekend rotating baby's clothes from its closet to totes then lugging those massive totes down to the basement (or, in my case, shoving them down the stairs and praying that the lid doesn't come off).
  12. Your camera roll contains 9,000 photos of baby and you get anxiety at the thought of having to delete even one of them. Few others on the roll include: a photo of you and your hubby pre-baby (you both look rested, tan, and super sexy), a photo of you and your girls (from the one night out you've had with them in two years), and a blurry family photo from last Christmas (where only 3 people are looking at the camera and all of the babies are crying).
  13. You secretly use your baby's Aveeno calming lavender bubble bath because: (1) you have 16 bottles of it from your baby shower and (2) it smells like heaven on Earth. (Seriously, so good.)
  14. Date nights now consist of ordering in and watching 20 minutes of a DVD before passing out on the couch. The idea of date night is enticing, but the actual execution is exhausting. Plus, #10 occurs when you can't find anything to wear. 
  15. You begin packing for a weekend trip on Tuesday and still forget at least three things (despite the four separate lists you made). For added fun, you forget the super important things like diapers and formula when you're staying somewhere that's far away from any store that is open past 8:00 p.m.
  16. Forget all the time and money you spent decorating your house, because all of your beautiful knickknacks are now shoved in the hall closet. Your new decor consists of ugly plastic and foam pieces designed to keep baby from poking its eyes out.
  17. Those charming staircases that you loved so much when picking out your house have now become your worst nightmare. To alleviate your fears, you have installed 3' gates at every turn. Your home is now the equivalent of baby jail.
  18. Any household object can - and will - be used to contain your little roadrunner. Dining chairs, ottomans, and (my favorite) empty Amazon boxes can all act as impromptu baby gates. That is until your baby figures out how to maneuver over your makeshift contraption (which is typically about 15 minutes). 
  19. You find yourself talking to your husband in the same stupid voice that you talk to your baby in. You also refer to each other as "Mommy" and "Daddy" rather than your given names. This is your new form of communication. And you're fine with it.*
  20. You live on the "whoever smelt it, dealt it" policy. Whoever smells the dirty diaper has to change it. This rule can only be broken in an extreme situation where multiple parties are needed, such as a massive blowout that send all three of you straight to the bathtub.*
* The last two items were contributed by the hubby himself. Perhaps he should guest post at some point?

Any other tell-tale signs that I've missed?